Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Like a 400 pound fat person

That is what feels like is sitting on my throat when I am working through one of these anxiety attacks. I wake up now the minute my hubby leaves (good thing cause tomorrow I have to start waking up early to go back to work) and worry enters my mind. That's when the fat person takes a seat, and doesn't leave. Usually I cry, most of the time that's when I talk to my hubby or my mom. I cry. I am not a crier. I hate to cry. I usually save my tears for when I am really pissed off. Now I cry for freaking everything. When the doctor asked me if since I was a counselor I had an problems with an aversions to meds I said no, I have an aversion to crying. As long as I stop, I don't care what I am on.
This fat person is sitting on my throat all the time. No matter what I am doing. I can't take a deep breathe. I can't swallow right. Told my doctor about it too, she shook her head. Yesterday I had to take my first Xanax. I am supposed to take a half, I took a fourth. I am scared of meds. I don't like being out of control of my body, that's why I never did drugs when I was younger. I like to be in control of myself, and my body.
It helped lift that fatty off my throat.
I had to take another fourth to get through registering the kids this morning at their new school. I woke up freaking out. All the new things, no control. I am so glad that I can give the first day of school to my husband and he will help me. But when I left they have no idea what number bus they will ride. I am a planner...I like to have my ducks in a row. I can't stand that I have no idea what bus they will ride, or how to prepare them for that. I know they will survive but again, I am a worrier. I am a planner. And here I go crying again.
I wish I could be able to get out here to pick them up. I wish I had never made that call telling my hubby that we should come out here. I got scared. There were so many suicides. I was in the middle of all of it because of being a counselor. I got scared. I should not have reacted, I should have just taken a breathe and prayed. Now I feel like I have messed it all up because of my fear. Now I am fearful again, I have prayed, I have breathed....it's not helping.
I know that they are going to be ok, but they know no one out here. How am I supposed to trust that someone will look out for them. They are the most important things to me.
My hubby tells me not to worry so much but I wonder how does he not worry? Is this just a mom thing? or am I just completely crazy to worry this much.
Trying not to take another fourth of Xanax today to kick this fat person off my throat.
Maybe I am supposed to learn how this feels to understand it when kids with anxiety come to me...

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