You know you do something you think will help your kids. You get scared with the suicides that are happening around you and you want to save your children from them so you move them to a smaller town so they can grow up without the bullying you see in the big schools. They can be more then just a number, and have a name since they are 1 of 50 rather then 1 of 500.
Then you move them to a town where there is nothing at all to do. I am not exaggerating either. Nothing. There are no restaurants, no stores, no nothing. The only thing this town has is school and it's summer. They have a gas station, a hair cut place (sorry we have our own in the big city), and they have a burrito place that delivers to the school during school. Nothing else. They have churches. Me no small town church girl, sorry that cross was burnt alooooong time ago when a preacher decided to preach about how cheerleaders where sinners, I was the only cheerleader there mind you.
We live in a part of town that is developing, we are in a part of the development that there are two houses, us and the neighbors across the street. They have no kids. All the kids are down the street and they are young. There are also dogs that roam free. This has cut my son off from riding his bike freely because of an incident that he was riding his bike and a pit bull decided to help him ride faster? Chased him down a block and it took my mom and some wonderful neighbors we had to get the dog to leave him alone. He has since not been to keen to ride his bike where there are dogs. We have gone on walks in the evening, in the afternoon, many times and no kids his age. All the times we were there before why did we not think of this? This was his choice when we were talking about moving out here. He wanted this house, but now he doesn't leave his room. He plays video games, and texts his friends from Midland and eats. This from a kid that was never in the house ever. He has gone through 6 bikes because he rode them to death. He hates it here. He gets together with his friends whenever they go to do something in Midland at the mall or putt putt but it's not the same because my husband has to drive around waiting the 2 or 3 hours that he is hanging out so he can pick him up and bring him home. It makes no sense. But we want him out socializing.
Then there is our daughter who is the social butterfly. She is having to beg people to be her friends. That doesn't do anything but make me mad. She was at the top of the world when we took her away from Midland. Why?
Then there is me and my funky dunky hole. I am so freaking depressed out here I can't even blink right without crying. First it was the doctor's visits all summer but now that things are settling down with that I really am thinking that it has to be the isolation you feel out here. It is a feeling that you are alone. You have a computer yes but there is only so much you can do. You have a TV but there is only so much you can watch. A hobby? I love to thrift. Find cool things and turn it into new things. Those are in town 25 minutes away. Then I have to get it home, then go back into town and get the stuff I need to fix it. That is not feasible when you are out here. That is wasting money on gas. I tried sewing this summer. Returned the sewing machine, didn't work for me. Tried reading, got bored with the Shades trilogy-yes I know how did that happen but I did! I have redone things in the house, hung curtains, pictures, etc. And tried to make this house mine but it is just boring and horrible. My poor husband feels horrible. He has worked on the backyard putting down sod and trying to make the backyard nice but I just can't get through this.
I go back to work next week. I think that will help some. I just keep thinking about all the running around and then on top of that being so far from the grocery store! I just don't think I was cut out for this.
I tried to explain it to my mom like this. I am not a social person where I want to go and make friends with everyone. But I am a social person where I want to feel people around me. I like to know I can leave and take the kids to Rosa's or the mall or Target and it not be an all day trip. Being apart of a city is like knowing you are never alone. Out here I am alone. Period. Exclamation point. To top it all off, husband is going to the ranch with guys from work to hunt wild hog. That means that me and the kids are alone with me and my sadness. I am so mad for him going but he wants to go so why should I stop him from leaving to keep him here with me to listen to me. Maybe I will mow the lawn this weekend. Maybe I will pull weeds.
We talked about it this morning and we are going to let the kids start school, see how it goes and if it is not ok, we are moving back. Life is too short to be unhappy. I hide all my feelings as best as I can, and walk around with a big fake smile on my face trying to make myself happy but I think that is the true cause of my problems lately with headaches. Stress. There you go Cynthia. You just solved the million dollar question.
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