That is what feels like is sitting on my throat when I am working through one of these anxiety attacks. I wake up now the minute my hubby leaves (good thing cause tomorrow I have to start waking up early to go back to work) and worry enters my mind. That's when the fat person takes a seat, and doesn't leave. Usually I cry, most of the time that's when I talk to my hubby or my mom. I cry. I am not a crier. I hate to cry. I usually save my tears for when I am really pissed off. Now I cry for freaking everything. When the doctor asked me if since I was a counselor I had an problems with an aversions to meds I said no, I have an aversion to crying. As long as I stop, I don't care what I am on.
This fat person is sitting on my throat all the time. No matter what I am doing. I can't take a deep breathe. I can't swallow right. Told my doctor about it too, she shook her head. Yesterday I had to take my first Xanax. I am supposed to take a half, I took a fourth. I am scared of meds. I don't like being out of control of my body, that's why I never did drugs when I was younger. I like to be in control of myself, and my body.
It helped lift that fatty off my throat.
I had to take another fourth to get through registering the kids this morning at their new school. I woke up freaking out. All the new things, no control. I am so glad that I can give the first day of school to my husband and he will help me. But when I left they have no idea what number bus they will ride. I am a planner...I like to have my ducks in a row. I can't stand that I have no idea what bus they will ride, or how to prepare them for that. I know they will survive but again, I am a worrier. I am a planner. And here I go crying again.
I wish I could be able to get out here to pick them up. I wish I had never made that call telling my hubby that we should come out here. I got scared. There were so many suicides. I was in the middle of all of it because of being a counselor. I got scared. I should not have reacted, I should have just taken a breathe and prayed. Now I feel like I have messed it all up because of my fear. Now I am fearful again, I have prayed, I have breathed....it's not helping.
I know that they are going to be ok, but they know no one out here. How am I supposed to trust that someone will look out for them. They are the most important things to me.
My hubby tells me not to worry so much but I wonder how does he not worry? Is this just a mom thing? or am I just completely crazy to worry this much.
Trying not to take another fourth of Xanax today to kick this fat person off my throat.
Maybe I am supposed to learn how this feels to understand it when kids with anxiety come to me...
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
More meds for the lady?
Got some meds to help with the anxiety attacks. Doc says that move has brought on anxiety and depression. Go me. So problem becomes. Wait till Christmas and see how it goes on my new pills. Question, why do I have to stay on meds in order to be in a city? Or push to move back sooner?
You know all I wanted was my son to be ok in a smaller school and my daughter to get away from drama (she's already mixed up with it) and for my husband to finally get what he wants, a small town, quiet and land. I did this for all the right reasons, now I'm in this position. I have never felt like this before where I don't know how to dig myself out. That's how my doc knew something was up when she saw me. This is not me. It's like being in solitary confinement.
Husband just wants everyone to be happy. He will be fine. Hope to gosh we make enough on this house to buy another. We will be camping in my parents driveway for a few months to get a little more for a down payment.
So stinking frustrated.
Why?
You know all I wanted was my son to be ok in a smaller school and my daughter to get away from drama (she's already mixed up with it) and for my husband to finally get what he wants, a small town, quiet and land. I did this for all the right reasons, now I'm in this position. I have never felt like this before where I don't know how to dig myself out. That's how my doc knew something was up when she saw me. This is not me. It's like being in solitary confinement.
Husband just wants everyone to be happy. He will be fine. Hope to gosh we make enough on this house to buy another. We will be camping in my parents driveway for a few months to get a little more for a down payment.
So stinking frustrated.
Why?
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Well of all the bonehead ideas..
You know you do something you think will help your kids. You get scared with the suicides that are happening around you and you want to save your children from them so you move them to a smaller town so they can grow up without the bullying you see in the big schools. They can be more then just a number, and have a name since they are 1 of 50 rather then 1 of 500.
Then you move them to a town where there is nothing at all to do. I am not exaggerating either. Nothing. There are no restaurants, no stores, no nothing. The only thing this town has is school and it's summer. They have a gas station, a hair cut place (sorry we have our own in the big city), and they have a burrito place that delivers to the school during school. Nothing else. They have churches. Me no small town church girl, sorry that cross was burnt alooooong time ago when a preacher decided to preach about how cheerleaders where sinners, I was the only cheerleader there mind you.
We live in a part of town that is developing, we are in a part of the development that there are two houses, us and the neighbors across the street. They have no kids. All the kids are down the street and they are young. There are also dogs that roam free. This has cut my son off from riding his bike freely because of an incident that he was riding his bike and a pit bull decided to help him ride faster? Chased him down a block and it took my mom and some wonderful neighbors we had to get the dog to leave him alone. He has since not been to keen to ride his bike where there are dogs. We have gone on walks in the evening, in the afternoon, many times and no kids his age. All the times we were there before why did we not think of this? This was his choice when we were talking about moving out here. He wanted this house, but now he doesn't leave his room. He plays video games, and texts his friends from Midland and eats. This from a kid that was never in the house ever. He has gone through 6 bikes because he rode them to death. He hates it here. He gets together with his friends whenever they go to do something in Midland at the mall or putt putt but it's not the same because my husband has to drive around waiting the 2 or 3 hours that he is hanging out so he can pick him up and bring him home. It makes no sense. But we want him out socializing.
Then there is our daughter who is the social butterfly. She is having to beg people to be her friends. That doesn't do anything but make me mad. She was at the top of the world when we took her away from Midland. Why?
Then there is me and my funky dunky hole. I am so freaking depressed out here I can't even blink right without crying. First it was the doctor's visits all summer but now that things are settling down with that I really am thinking that it has to be the isolation you feel out here. It is a feeling that you are alone. You have a computer yes but there is only so much you can do. You have a TV but there is only so much you can watch. A hobby? I love to thrift. Find cool things and turn it into new things. Those are in town 25 minutes away. Then I have to get it home, then go back into town and get the stuff I need to fix it. That is not feasible when you are out here. That is wasting money on gas. I tried sewing this summer. Returned the sewing machine, didn't work for me. Tried reading, got bored with the Shades trilogy-yes I know how did that happen but I did! I have redone things in the house, hung curtains, pictures, etc. And tried to make this house mine but it is just boring and horrible. My poor husband feels horrible. He has worked on the backyard putting down sod and trying to make the backyard nice but I just can't get through this.
I go back to work next week. I think that will help some. I just keep thinking about all the running around and then on top of that being so far from the grocery store! I just don't think I was cut out for this.
I tried to explain it to my mom like this. I am not a social person where I want to go and make friends with everyone. But I am a social person where I want to feel people around me. I like to know I can leave and take the kids to Rosa's or the mall or Target and it not be an all day trip. Being apart of a city is like knowing you are never alone. Out here I am alone. Period. Exclamation point. To top it all off, husband is going to the ranch with guys from work to hunt wild hog. That means that me and the kids are alone with me and my sadness. I am so mad for him going but he wants to go so why should I stop him from leaving to keep him here with me to listen to me. Maybe I will mow the lawn this weekend. Maybe I will pull weeds.
We talked about it this morning and we are going to let the kids start school, see how it goes and if it is not ok, we are moving back. Life is too short to be unhappy. I hide all my feelings as best as I can, and walk around with a big fake smile on my face trying to make myself happy but I think that is the true cause of my problems lately with headaches. Stress. There you go Cynthia. You just solved the million dollar question.
Then you move them to a town where there is nothing at all to do. I am not exaggerating either. Nothing. There are no restaurants, no stores, no nothing. The only thing this town has is school and it's summer. They have a gas station, a hair cut place (sorry we have our own in the big city), and they have a burrito place that delivers to the school during school. Nothing else. They have churches. Me no small town church girl, sorry that cross was burnt alooooong time ago when a preacher decided to preach about how cheerleaders where sinners, I was the only cheerleader there mind you.
We live in a part of town that is developing, we are in a part of the development that there are two houses, us and the neighbors across the street. They have no kids. All the kids are down the street and they are young. There are also dogs that roam free. This has cut my son off from riding his bike freely because of an incident that he was riding his bike and a pit bull decided to help him ride faster? Chased him down a block and it took my mom and some wonderful neighbors we had to get the dog to leave him alone. He has since not been to keen to ride his bike where there are dogs. We have gone on walks in the evening, in the afternoon, many times and no kids his age. All the times we were there before why did we not think of this? This was his choice when we were talking about moving out here. He wanted this house, but now he doesn't leave his room. He plays video games, and texts his friends from Midland and eats. This from a kid that was never in the house ever. He has gone through 6 bikes because he rode them to death. He hates it here. He gets together with his friends whenever they go to do something in Midland at the mall or putt putt but it's not the same because my husband has to drive around waiting the 2 or 3 hours that he is hanging out so he can pick him up and bring him home. It makes no sense. But we want him out socializing.
Then there is our daughter who is the social butterfly. She is having to beg people to be her friends. That doesn't do anything but make me mad. She was at the top of the world when we took her away from Midland. Why?
Then there is me and my funky dunky hole. I am so freaking depressed out here I can't even blink right without crying. First it was the doctor's visits all summer but now that things are settling down with that I really am thinking that it has to be the isolation you feel out here. It is a feeling that you are alone. You have a computer yes but there is only so much you can do. You have a TV but there is only so much you can watch. A hobby? I love to thrift. Find cool things and turn it into new things. Those are in town 25 minutes away. Then I have to get it home, then go back into town and get the stuff I need to fix it. That is not feasible when you are out here. That is wasting money on gas. I tried sewing this summer. Returned the sewing machine, didn't work for me. Tried reading, got bored with the Shades trilogy-yes I know how did that happen but I did! I have redone things in the house, hung curtains, pictures, etc. And tried to make this house mine but it is just boring and horrible. My poor husband feels horrible. He has worked on the backyard putting down sod and trying to make the backyard nice but I just can't get through this.
I go back to work next week. I think that will help some. I just keep thinking about all the running around and then on top of that being so far from the grocery store! I just don't think I was cut out for this.
I tried to explain it to my mom like this. I am not a social person where I want to go and make friends with everyone. But I am a social person where I want to feel people around me. I like to know I can leave and take the kids to Rosa's or the mall or Target and it not be an all day trip. Being apart of a city is like knowing you are never alone. Out here I am alone. Period. Exclamation point. To top it all off, husband is going to the ranch with guys from work to hunt wild hog. That means that me and the kids are alone with me and my sadness. I am so mad for him going but he wants to go so why should I stop him from leaving to keep him here with me to listen to me. Maybe I will mow the lawn this weekend. Maybe I will pull weeds.
We talked about it this morning and we are going to let the kids start school, see how it goes and if it is not ok, we are moving back. Life is too short to be unhappy. I hide all my feelings as best as I can, and walk around with a big fake smile on my face trying to make myself happy but I think that is the true cause of my problems lately with headaches. Stress. There you go Cynthia. You just solved the million dollar question.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Headaches
I wake up in the morning hoping to open my eyes, stretch, make coffee, raise up and get up for a productive day.
Instead I open my eyes, squeeze my eyes with pain, move my sore jaw and neck, and wonder what was I worried about now that I grinded my jaw?
Then I slowly get up, aching the whole time and realize the pain is now creeping to the front of my skull. It's encompassing my whole head and shoulders. Sneaking through my neck. Why is my muscle relaxant not working? Why is that migraine medicine not working?
Take two Tylenol, no Advil since I gave myself ulcers, that doesn't work so wait 8 more hours to take two more. If this was 6 months ago I'd be taking two or four excreting migraine and maybe 6 Advil. Whatever it took. Sooner or later the headache gave up. Now I fight with them.
Take a shower, pray. Doesn't work. Go through the day hoping and praying it goes away. Listen to a screaming little girl. Big kids who need and a family that needs. I am off for the summer I should be relaxing. Ha!
Afternoon comes and I can take more Tylenol. Please go away... Nope.
Why? I'm 35. This is my life. What will I be like when I'm 45? 55? Will I be able to turn my neck?
Neurologist says one thing. Doctor says something else. I'm not impressed. I'm depressed. I'm stressed.
One day. I'll either be totally crippled in my 40's or drugged up.
I go to bed and hope for a better day. Going to bed with the same headache you woke up with it a horrible way to end a day.
Instead I open my eyes, squeeze my eyes with pain, move my sore jaw and neck, and wonder what was I worried about now that I grinded my jaw?
Then I slowly get up, aching the whole time and realize the pain is now creeping to the front of my skull. It's encompassing my whole head and shoulders. Sneaking through my neck. Why is my muscle relaxant not working? Why is that migraine medicine not working?
Take two Tylenol, no Advil since I gave myself ulcers, that doesn't work so wait 8 more hours to take two more. If this was 6 months ago I'd be taking two or four excreting migraine and maybe 6 Advil. Whatever it took. Sooner or later the headache gave up. Now I fight with them.
Take a shower, pray. Doesn't work. Go through the day hoping and praying it goes away. Listen to a screaming little girl. Big kids who need and a family that needs. I am off for the summer I should be relaxing. Ha!
Afternoon comes and I can take more Tylenol. Please go away... Nope.
Why? I'm 35. This is my life. What will I be like when I'm 45? 55? Will I be able to turn my neck?
Neurologist says one thing. Doctor says something else. I'm not impressed. I'm depressed. I'm stressed.
One day. I'll either be totally crippled in my 40's or drugged up.
I go to bed and hope for a better day. Going to bed with the same headache you woke up with it a horrible way to end a day.
Well doesn't that just tickle your pickle and blow your skirt up?!
So I had no idea. Nope, no idea. I was dumbfounded and dumbduddled.
I have been posting on the wrong one. Yep the wrong blog. I am an idiot. Yep, an idiot. This whole summer I have been posting along about my adventures in learning to sew (didn't happen), my depression and hormone problems (hormones are almost back to normal), and my frustrations with my husband (he drives me nuts but we have been together for 16 years and had kids for 14 he is supposed to isn't he?).
Lots of blogs...then I click on a blog I read Desert Trivia. Read her updates and notice mine in her list. It says I haven't updated in 9 months. WT heck? So I click and see a blog I had no idea I had forgotten about.
So here I am after spending 15 minutes figuring out how to log on, explaining that I am an idiot, and too dadgum lazy to copy and paste those blogs so lets just say ya'll have missed the crazy Cynthia. The one who was ranting and raving about her move to Greenwood. Now I am here as the one who is almost back in her motion and can say that I am someone what sane (haven't ever really been sane) and now I will start blogging on here....geez I am an idiot!
I have been posting on the wrong one. Yep the wrong blog. I am an idiot. Yep, an idiot. This whole summer I have been posting along about my adventures in learning to sew (didn't happen), my depression and hormone problems (hormones are almost back to normal), and my frustrations with my husband (he drives me nuts but we have been together for 16 years and had kids for 14 he is supposed to isn't he?).
Lots of blogs...then I click on a blog I read Desert Trivia. Read her updates and notice mine in her list. It says I haven't updated in 9 months. WT heck? So I click and see a blog I had no idea I had forgotten about.
So here I am after spending 15 minutes figuring out how to log on, explaining that I am an idiot, and too dadgum lazy to copy and paste those blogs so lets just say ya'll have missed the crazy Cynthia. The one who was ranting and raving about her move to Greenwood. Now I am here as the one who is almost back in her motion and can say that I am someone what sane (haven't ever really been sane) and now I will start blogging on here....geez I am an idiot!
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